2005-12-12 - 1:08 p.m.
9th December 2005
What do you say to the blinking cursor? What can satisfy the empty page? Nothing. Everything. A soul laid bare. But a soul, a spirit, a core that exists before distortion via embodied experience creates a person, is far too complex, too magnificent, too inexplicable to dissect and explain with the rudimentary understanding of language, matter, and the interconnectedness of events, available to me. I cannot create a cohesive whole, and I’m troubled by my own determination to complete a task that’s clearly beyond my capabilities. Determined may not be the correct word – highlighting how my misunderstanding of English semantics only mocks my feeble efforts – but compelled may be closer; destined, fated, manipulated from heights unknown by a hand that’s subtle and sure. Perhaps… perhaps… perhaps… Surety instils confidence, and appropriate understanding coupled with appropriate experience produces an appropriate aptitude. I am unsure, I do not understand, and my relevant experience is miniscule and murky at best. Avoid the issue, twist and turn, laugh and play and pass the days in a content pretence that it’s all of no consequence to you, me, us or them. Perhaps… perhaps if the fortress were approached from an unexpected angle… a distinctly appealing impossibility, the wall could be brought tumbling down. Perhaps imagination, creativity and logic, or absurd conjecture, or indomitable ignorance could persuade the world that is me that there is no wall. Perhaps… It cannot be scaled or avoided at all, brought down, destroyed, or transmuted in form. It is a boundary marker and my crossing is not sanctioned. Just play your cards, don’t fight the dealer. Time’s a healer, time’s the test, and wishing won’t make me any less Western. Fragments of a dream that is life from a single perspective with limited comprehension are boring at best and embarrassing otherwise. Three hundred and one ways to say the whys of nothing. Already I’m empty and running on fumes that belie my weakness. Hollowness inside me precipitates an insidious clamour for ghosts and angels and demons to come and settle in the spaces. If you’re confused, intrigued, impressed, or distressed, then try to quell you’re impressions of meaning. Nothing is what it seems, yet everything obeys the laws of the land as they’ve been understood by man. Cause and effect is the only explanation of every situation, but predicting the effect of any one cause is futile on an inhuman timeline, which explains why we’re ceaselessly struggling to overcome the frustration felt in failing to achieve the unachievable. We muddle through, and do the best we can, which is sometimes enough, and often not. But I don’t really care, everything I’ve said up until now is meaningless and irrelevant - because Emma’s hot, and being around her makes me feel brilliant and alive. I let her go once… and it was the biggest mistake I’d ever made… but I got her back. And then I let her go again… and hurt myself badly. I think I’ve finally learnt from my mistakes… I think I understand love better now. Something wonderful this way is winding.
This was written by Chris, remember him, he’s the one who really meant something, showed me love! Well that Chris has found himself a lady at last. He once told me that the hurt he suffered was like thinking that in another universe and time he didn’t know me at all. We have known each other now for 4 nearly 5 years now and I haven’t had so much of a phone call in over a month. I miss him; he used to be such a good friend to me. Now though he’s just another mate. That’s sad! That makes me sad to think about it. I am moving soon, next year, going to reading then leaving for good. Going on to new things! Hopefully! He won’t see me after next September. First I'm off to Germany then off to Australia. So it very unlikely that he will ever see me again after September, I hope that one day he’ll look back and think of me when he’s married and has kids. He told me that whether he was the godfather to me kids or my husband as long as he was in my life he would be happy. I hope he is happy for the rest of his life. He seems to be doing so well at the moment; I hope it stays like that. I really do. Miss you sweetheart. Keep safe and free.
