2006-03-14 - 11:55 a.m.
i've been thinkang about this self analysis thing. you know where you sit there and list all your faults. where you try and change yourself for the benifit of others. now i'm not going to turn around to you and say that i hate myself and that i hate the world and in return the world hates me, because thats just not true. i have a lot of really good friends, some good friends, and some friends who like me very much. of course i return that likeness, what sort of friend would i be if i didn't! anyway i have been thinking about it and i have decided that the person i used to be and the person i am now, if smushed together, would be an ideal person. generous and happy and conscious of what she was doing to herself and others. take my housemates for example. im being pretty mean to them at the moment, well two of them anyway. i stay away from the house most days because i dont really want to talk to them and i have no idea why that is. well i know why i dont want to talk to one of them, but the other is a bit of a mystery! the problem with one of them is that every time i talk to them they make me feel like im a child and i hate that. they tend to ask the question "you alright?" and only want a yes to end the conversation as soon as possible. they dont care about much and they make that very clear to me. i dont like telling strangers about my life so i tend to return the quesation with a yes and the same thing! that way it gets us both out of our hair! i find it hard to talk to them as i hate being talked down to. they asked me why i didn't talk about my work with them and thats why. i dont want to sit there for half an hour feeling worthless. and that is how they make me feel. all the time. so i stay out of their way. i know that to them im a bitch and i dont really mind that much. its when they talk about me when im either in the next room or in the room. thats fun! it kind of makes you think about where you stand with others.
for instance i know that my mum thinks im tunring into my aunt. someone who just goes on about the same thing all the time, and i try and catch myself doing it if i do so that i can stop before it goes too far.
i'm forgetful at the most horrific times, i'll for get something like mother's day or a birthday or to phone my brother for the first time since christmas! its not good.
i have good intentions but the often go wrong.'road to hell is paved...' and all that!
i ignore people, and i dont know why. i get all embarrassed and then act like im 5. mmmm attractive!
i look back too much. i miss people too much to cope with. im not very good at coping at all really. i break down when ever anything gets too much. i got depressed before christmas and told everyone to fuck off, then realised that i didn't mean it and had to say sorry. wow i was suck an idiot. all because all i wanted was someone to hold and someone to say that it was all going to be ok. then i hd my housemates giggling and keeping me up til godknows when with their antics. it just wasn't a good time. you see doing it again. i can never look forward. stupid brain.
i dwell on things too much and use them to my advantage. which i must say i never thought i was cappable of! i flirt without realising. i dont mean to i just do. when i like someone i treat them like i dont care when i really do and inside im actually dying at how much i like them. then they tell me im nasty and to get lost. thats when it hits me. great timing too! i dont have a best friend. i have good friends, but no one i tell everything to. my nearest friends are bryony and katie. i used to tell them everything but i have got into the habit of keeping things back.
whenever people find someone i instantly become jealous. you know that feeling when you see couples on the bus and you just want to shoot them. thats me. i go all the way and actually think of the best place to shoot them without too many people noticing! lol, i think that i would make a good shooter. i could get paid for shooting people ho piss people off. for like the mafia. i think i should look into that! could be a good career move!
ok i have to go. im supposed to be doing work so ill just say that, Cloudscapes i miss yo, you never seem to talk to me much, kinda mean, but email me soon.
TTFN
