2006-06-29 - 8:22 a.m.
change. oh dear. how do you cope with things that change. i have read books where, at the beginning, everything is how it should be. but then half way through it all goes wrong and everything has changed. people moving on, areas getting revamped. people leaving. change.
i used to love change, where will i end up? now i just want to be there or be square. my birthday is in a week almost and i dont feel any better about it. then my friends, my amazzing friends, tell me that they cant wait to go out and i feel better.
whats going to happen when i leave and i lose that mehtod of feeling better!
questions. im always full of questions. never answers, just questions.
questions, questions, questions.
well f**k questions. i dont want them any more. i will be happy, sad a little, but happy to leave this god forsaken country.
yeah uh huh sure i will!
i feel, i feel. I feel. i FEEL. why me, why do i feel. other people feel. look at how other people feel. i used to be like that, others before my self. i was then told it should be the other way around. great advice that. no, point. whatsoever.
if you were a bunny rabit what colour would you be? do you care. are you just amusing me!
the hurt has dimmed. its not that big a surprise. or deal! even if its on my mind. lots of things are, what makes that so god damn special. you'll miss me, when everything is quite, you'll miss me.
but then again, will you? it wouldn't be that different, i might as well say good bye now! for thats all it would be. an early goodbye! maybe i wont ask then. maybe i'll let it pass without a word from either myself or you.see how much you have really changed! all of you!
if i call, you will be polite. if i dont you wont care. if i visit... no i wont do that. neither will you.
how does it end? does it end? can i say goodbye? the thought makes me dizzy. makes me feel disjointed! i dont want to leave you. i dont want to go, knowing that it wont be the same when i do. dont make me say good bye to the only constant good thing in my life. dont make me loose my rock. cant you come with me. i could fold you up into a suitcase and you can come and live with me. no, i know, im sorry. just clinging on. barely but at least im trying.
i used to love you. i dont know what happened. natural gave way to fake. when i looked all i saw was "friend" above you. now i just dont look. think but dont look. look but dont touch. trouble is that thinking can do more harm than good.
please dont, i didnt mean it, i didnt mean it to go this far. im sorry. please dont make me cry again, i havent in such a long time. a record in fact. im sorry please dont!
fear. change. changing fear. the fear of change.
haffi, i miss you and kristian. you touched my heart. you listened and laughed and helped. you made me smile! i miss you.
but you were there. you and our history, you and your words, you and the hurt. you changed my life and me, but you weren't there all that much. you werent controlling it, you were just there. now others know you. they know me, but they know you too. they know love so therefore they know you!
i love knew people, the way that everything is so beautiful, the way that each person has learnt that hurt from love is a hurt not to be bore! take heed, for this is the lesson. others hurt, not just you not just me. others too, and the more we are there for the others, the more the pain subsides. the more we are needed the less our thoughts are controlled.
i feel like a change.
you have changed me. i dont know myself just yet, i dont think im supposed to. but i know enough about me to know that i am strong on my own. i can be anyway. i can be whatever i want to be. i can do this with my life. i will. one day when i am me i will meet you all and look. what will i see? no one knows!
i feel like a change!
